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Cripes, Australia is running out of Koalas

Life on land

"Of all of Australia's iconic and wonderful animals, the Koala is up there with the Kangaroo”.

Peter Hylands, Andrea Hylands

May 22, 2023

Bit worried about Koalas.

In what way?

Well there aren’t many.

If it worries you, can’t you get a plane load from somewhere else? China must have Koalas, nope, well Japan then, nope. Surely Thailand has them? Well England then? Nope, what about Germany or France? Well surely Kenya has them?

No that’s Elephants.

Brazil perhaps, Chile, USA?

Something missing?

You don’t mean to tell me we are the only bastards with Koalas?

Yea I think so chief.

One hundred years ago we had millions of the buggers. If we hadn’t shot them, skinned them alive, set them alight, squashed them with our bulldozers, starved them, set our dogs on them and completely destroyed their habitat they would be everywhere. You can just imagine the fuss from the bloody greenies and those silly old knitting nannas every time we want to build a coal mine. If there is nothing out there, there is nothing to complain about.

Too right chief.

Can’t we replace them with some other animal?

Possible, I have just bought my kids a Christmas present, one of those books on nature, saves them asking tricky questions about seeing them in the wild.

Nice book. Well what is this one?


Never heard of it.

Does it look like a Koala?

No not really, but if we don’t know what a Koala looks like, the bloody tourists won’t.

Hang on a minute, aren’t Pangolins a bit of a delicacy? Had a slice, it was very nice. We could start a live export trade to restaurants in Asia. Looks like, once we roll them up, they would stack nicely in a container.

Win, win chief, win, win.

Koala spin

Well what about the Koalas?

Just run a campaign, tell the public they are dangerous and likely to spread Ebola.

Can’t do that chief, already doing that with Flying Foxes.

What about TB then?

Yes TB, that’s it. Good thinking, innovation, that is what it is all about and that is what we are all about. Innovation, innovation, innovation, can’t get enough of it.

Three things to think about

NOTE: While this blog, written in 2016, is satirical and the characters of course bear no resemblance to any persons living or dead it may contain many truths, both known and unknown. You may think that my Macquarie Street house is the Parliament of New South Wales, you may well think that and these things are of course all part of your imagination. Only the Koalas are real (for now that is).

NOTE: About knitting nannas (who are also real): Groups of Australian grandmothers who care about forests and the environment. In the case of Victoria a group of knitting nannas were prosecuted for knitting in a forest. In New South Wales new laws relating to environmental protests include punishment with up to a seven year jail sentence, particularly in relation to protesting about coal seam gas extraction (fracking) and coal mining (which also devastate forests). So knitting nannas are very brave.

NOTE: Pangolins are among the most persecuted animals. Join the queue. There are eight species of Pangolin, four species live in Asia and four in Africa. In Asia all four species are either endangered or threatened. They are always in our hearts and we will bring you their story when we can. Photo Getty iStock